Meet the League: Mike Davis

Win One For Snappy

By: Nick Altrup

When Snappy the Lobster first met Mike Davis, he wasn't impressed. "He had this unrealistic expectation that he'd impress an old girlfriend by eating me in one sitting. As if that was going to actually get him to second base. I think we both knew his expectations that night were not grounded in reality."

But Snappy didn't give up on Mike. He believed in his potential. So the two struck up a friendship.

"I don't know how I would have made it through my awkward early-20's without him", Davis said of Snappy. "He taught me to stop trying to impress people all the damn time. I really miss him."

This is not a story that ends well. Late one night, Snappy was boiled alive and eaten by Davis' old roommate.

"Oliver", as he was called (without a sense of irony given that his name is Tim), recalls the event. "I had been out until 3am trying to pick up a couple of [nice young ladies]. I was [full of enthusiasm] and I hadn't eaten in 3 days. I was so [enthused] that I just forgot to eat. So I came home and sat on the couch. My shoes were muddy. I still don't know why. Mike asked me to take my shoes off and I was all like [no way guy]. So I just put my shoes up on his couch and started wiping my shoes all over it. I said 'I'm referred to as Oliver for some unknown reason...bitch' He was not amused. We had a big fight and Mike went to bed. Hungry, I wandered into the kitchen and found Snappy sleeping in the fridge. I really don't want to talk about what happened next. I'm embarrassed by it now that I'm mostly grown up and married with a kid."

When asked for comment on the incident, Davis declined, instead focusing on the good times.

"Snappy taught me so much. Wood working and whatever else I do with all of my free time. He showed me what it is to be a man. He encouraged me to marry my wife. I owe him so much."

One thing Snappy never got through to Mike on, however, was the downside of unrealistic expectations. To this day, Mike expects to win the league every year - despite all of the mounting evidence that he is terrible at fantasy baseball. 2012 was a classic Davis year. His first pick (Roy Halladay) got old. His second pick (Evan Longoria) got hurt. His third pick (Timmy Lincecum) just flat out sucked. He drafted an old first baseman that had a surprisingly great year.

It gets worse.

He drafted Shane Victorino in the 6th round. Nobody knows why. He drafted a closer in the 7th round that ended up missing most of the year with injury. The more you look down his draft list, the worse it gets. There is virtually no redeeming quality in his picks from last year. "I just got hit by injuries last year" says Davis, refusing to acknowledge that it wouldn't have mattered if all of his picks were healthy. He finished 65-112-3. He was the Houston Astros (I'm being extremely generous here) of the league.

Davis believes 2013 will be different. I'm not so sure.

This is why Mike will finally not suck at fantasy baseball

1. Ryan Braun needs a freaking miracle to avoid suspension a 2nd time
2. Edwin Encarnation needs to show 2012 wasn't a fluke
3. He is going to have to find a decent amount of pitching on the waiver wire, because he didn't draft enough of it
4. If he can't pull off #3, he is going to have to turn excess offense on his roster into quality pitching
5. Given #4, he will need to read http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Yes-Negotiating-Agreement-Without/dp/0140157352/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3/183-5831863-0380537
6. His offense realizes its full potential, terrorizing the league all year long

This is why Mike's team will suck again

1. Extremely thin pitching staff
2. Braun, Melky, and Cruz all go down in the latest steroid scandal (there is a pretty decent chance of this happening)
3. Will Myers has a very disappointing 2013 (likely) but is an awesome keeper for 2014 at least
4. Aaron Hicks is a watered-down version of Denard Span, who nobody ever drafts to begin with
5. Josh Willingham turns into a pumpkin
6. Michael Morse continues to regress now that he is playing in Seattle (likely)
7. Jake Peavy's arm finally falls off (I mean this literally)
8. Ditto Strasburg

Somwhere, in the outer reaches of the Milky Way, Snappy is content in his post-singularity Lobster heaven. Here, he isn't technically a Lobster anymore but instead a cog in some Matrioshka brain, using Neutrinos and gamma-ray bursts to communicate with God. If this post-singularity Matrioshka brain can turn its attention from Genesis to Biogenisis, whatever the name of Mike's team is today (The Matrioshka Brains?) may have a chance.